Dear You, This is our chapter closing.

To you, the man that fed me, clothed me, taught me how to ride a bike and the one that’s pretty much made me who I am today. Four years or so, you walked out of my life like I’d never even mattered to you. It was as if the times you spent brushing my long blonde hair as a little one, those weekends I used to spend watching rugby with you and those times you used to sit me on your lap and tell me everything was going to be okay, never even existed.

You haven’t spoken to me since the day you left. You’ve never once asked about me, asked to see me or even had the guts to hear what I have to say. I doubt you even remember my existence now.

For the majority of my life you were my knight in shining armour. You were the man that swooped in and saved my mother; you came on your chariot and you were everything I’d always imagined a father to be. You were fun, you were caring and you idolised us kids just as much as we idolised you. I was your princess, you were my ‘Daddy’ and I never ever questioned the fact that we didn’t share DNA. You will always be the man that took me in as his own and showed me the wisdom of this world. You did the very thing my father couldn’t and I will forever be grateful for that.

You taught me to play hard, work even harder and go for my dreams.

However, Four or so years ago, I was left out of the loop. You left, I had no idea, and the son you’d taken on as your own was left to pick up the pieces. Whilst I thought you were the guardian angel sheltering my mother and helping her with her new found disability, you had walked out on us. I rung you every single day (just like I always did) to see if you were okay, to talk to ‘my dad’ and you never even picked up the phone. For all I knew you were just too busy in work, that you’d mislaid your phone and that I’d see you on my return home. It took me a whole three weeks to find out that you’d walked out on me, on us. No phonecall. No see you soon. You were gone just like you never even existed in the first place. It was as if I’d been dreaming since the age of three – that I’d wanted a father figure like you so badly, that I made you up in the corners of my brain. I didn’t.

I still remember your farmers cap, you teaching me how to tie my shoe laces and you telling me to be quiet during Antiques Roadshow.

Losing you was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. Mourning you has been the hardest. How do you mourn someone that’s still alive and kicking?

I want to thank you for teaching me not to trust the unlikely of people. Don’t let your guard down. Don’t throw your all into something that will eventually disintegrate into a big, fat, nothing. You’ve made it hard for me to trust, to care and to find my bearings. When I lost you, I lost my worth and I’m still trying to find it.

Losing my father to death was hard, losing you, my dad because I wasn’t good enough, because you couldn’t care for me anymore, because you just didn’t want to, is even harder. This feeling won’t be going anytime soon.

It’s hard to imagine life with you, where I felt safe, where I trusted and where my dreams were already made. The thing is, you always taught me to go for my dreams. What you didn’t realise was that you were always a part of that. I was never the girl that lost her Dad to suicide when you were around, I was never the girl with ‘Daddy issues’, because you were right there, being the father I’d always wanted. I was so proud that I had you, but maybe that just wasn’t enough.

I’ll forever feel like I did something wrong, like I just never fit the ‘daughter’ bill. I will forever mourn what we had.

I hope you’re well, I hope you’re happy and I wish you everything and more.

Thank you for making me into the human being that I am today. You’ll forever be the man that cared for me, that taught me the wonders of this shitty world and the man that loved me when I thought no father ever would.

My dad would be thankful to you too.

Love always,

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The things I wish I could tell you right now…

Dear Pa,

This coming week marks your 50th birthday. It marks another milestone on my calendar, another day missing your face and another year without you by my side. You’ve missed over half of my life by now so I guess we have some catching up to do.

Here are the things I wish you knew about me, that I wish I could tell you and that I wish you knew before you did what you did.

I wish I could tell you how loved you were, how through whatever crazy, stupid and plain evil thing you did, you were always my main man, my dysfunctional super hero; you always will be.

Continue reading “The things I wish I could tell you right now…”

Get yourself out of the post-graduate life hangover…

SO I’ve been a bit quiet on here recently which is a bit weird because I am never ever quiet! but hey, I’ve been a bit of a busy girl!

A couple of months ago, you heard how hard graduate life is. How you’re bombarded with emails of ‘you’re over qualified soz’ or ‘sorry you don’t have enough experience for this position’, and you feel incredibly stuck. You feel like you’ve cried, eaten and read your life away at uni just to be met with big fat nothing at the end of it.  Continue reading “Get yourself out of the post-graduate life hangover…”

I’ve come through the calm, only to be hit by the storm.

So the last few months have been really weird. We all have this idea of what life is going to be like once we’ve graduated with our very expensive piece of paper, once we’ve moved home and once we’ve caught up on all that sleep that we lost during dissertation hand in week. I guess we all think we can walk into a job (some have), most of all, I guess we all think we know what we want to do. That’s why we’ve studied a subject for so long, right?

Nah, wrong mate.

For the last few months I’ve been living on cloud ‘cuckoo’. I’ve quit my part-time bar job, taken an internship for less than half the money, I’ve started a whole lot of voluntary positions and seen my bank balance cry at me everytime I’ve gone to buy myself a packet of Haribos as a ‘pick me up’.  Continue reading “I’ve come through the calm, only to be hit by the storm.”

Dear Dad,

On this day 12 years ago, I got up, chucked my new bright red uniform on, grabbed my new polka dot backpack and scraped my hair back into the tightest of ponytails. I went about my regular morning routine singing Busted in the bathroom mirror, arguing with my sister as to who was most deserving of the first shower and just like usual, I didn’t think about you at all. I was to be that ‘cute’ little naive Year 7 kid, or so I hoped my day would pan out that way. Continue reading “Dear Dad,”

Chapter Closed.

SO you wouldn’t believe it if you tried, but I am officially a graduate!

WORLD REJOICE!

I guess you’ve all heard how the last five years have shaped, killed, tested and motivated me more than ever; yesterday marked the end of an era.

Yesterday marked the end of my student journey, end of my student loan handouts and most importantly the end of me feeling like my life had run off course.

Yesterday was such a special day for me; one that I could never have imagined in more ways than one.  Continue reading “Chapter Closed.”